He was the first Sumerian deity to discover sex — while he was in his bath.

Sex was such a new discovery he quickly tried it out with his wife Ninhursaga. In no time at all they had a daughter. This was also something new. There were no written laws or rules yet as he hadn’t gotten around to inventing them. So, because he didn’t know any better, Enki had sex with his daughter too.

When his daughter had a daughter he did it again. He just couldn’t help it. Soon he had three daughters: Ninsar, Ninkurra and Ninimma, but when a fourth came along Ninhursaga decided enough was enough. When he started doing what he always did she intervened rather sharply.

So a frustrated Enki looked elsewhere. In between times he had experimented somewhat perversely with earth and rocks and streams. These were all very fertile. Being of a rare God group, his efforts generated odd-looking offspring such as sheep and cattle.

Now he took to doing things with vegetables, but it all backfired when he started eating them too and became very ill. Ninhursaga, who had refused to have any more to do with him — including cooking his meat and two veg — took pity. She nursed him back to health, they went back to square one and had another eight godly children.

Enki then took up another hobby: playing with dolls. No, not inflatable ones. Actual clay dolls which he could bring to life. Rumors that his sexual appetite has not been entirely curbed are completely without foundation but we advise all clay dolls not to walk home on your own.

Several missing clay tablets later (which are the only known narrative source), Ninhursaga had become Ninmah, and after a night on the beer (possibly another Enki discovery) they had a clay person-making contest.

Due to the bleary effects of the beer, they accidentally produced some people with bits missing. Rather than throw them away, they had another competition to find them suitable skills. Thus a blind man became a musician and a man without hands became an attendant on a king because he could not steal.

With his divine children perpetrating and breeding new races, the populace swelled nicely. Godswapping became a popular hobby and the Sumerians, Akkadians and Babylonians jumped eagerly into the Godstock market. There was plenty of power-sharing and a plethora of ministers, priests, and scribes to draw up laws on clay tablets as calligraphy took hold.

Having given humanity life, nourishment and politics, Enki is now taking a back seat, happily engaged in his new capacity as Beer Deity and Holy CEO of the Campaign for Real Ale, which involves much sampling of the wares from breweries. Hopefully he no longer feels the need to have sex with anything.

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Article last revised on September 26, 2018 by Rowan Allen.
Editors: Peter J. Allen, Chas Saunders

References: Coming soon.

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